Tuesday, March 16, 2010

While Observing at Dusk

The first installment of 'Tuesdays with Taylor' is really quite a shallow and probably undeveloped one but a deadline is a deadline. This bit was just buried somewhere in my journal and I have decided for the sake of sticking to a schedule to go ahead with it since playing basketball by streetlight was ever so appealing. Here it goes...



The Sheltie puppy darted beneath the plank table and gazed out upon the garden as the sky turned to pale shades of pink and orange. His eyes roamed curiously until he caught sight of a thieving raccoon moving on padded feet to the tomato cages. The great fruit heist was at hand as the brown and white youngster darted down the hill bounding clumsily to accost the slinking bandit. He let loose a low, almost comical rumble from his throat. The underdeveloped muscles trembled with apprehension but his determination, overriding any precautionary hesitation, drove him down the hill towards the thief.

Arriving at the scene of the crime, the pup stumbled unprepared within striking distance of the nocturnal, stripe-tailed rodent's claws. The raccoon snarled, swatted, and I grimaced as the furious little claws batted at the wet, inquisitive nose of the unlearned youth. This black and grey,
bushy-tailed, nighttime burglar treated the bold pup's snout to a melee he wouldn't soon forget, snatched the red, ripe fruit from the vine and stole away into the trees bordering the garden's edge to wash the spoils in the creek. I washed the defeated pup's nose while his enemy ate his fill at a safe distance under the cover of night and tree limb.

A skunk darted behind the trash cans near the back porch and his ears perked up and spine went stiff...

2 comments:

  1. A skunk darted behind the trash cans near the back porch and his ears perked up and spine went stiff...

    Great ending, a knowing smile!

    A little heavy on the adjectives here and there

    black and grey,
    bushy-tailed, nighttime burglar


    nocturnal, stripe-tailed rodent's claws

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  2. I like it, and at the risk of parroting Ali, my favorite part was also the ending.

    (Kudos for recognizing the tomato as a fruit.)

    A distraction for me is your tendency to structure your descriptions uniformly. It often runs "the [adjective][noun]" or "the [adjective], [adjective] [noun]." It's textbook, grammatically correct, but I suspect you have more firepower than a grammar text. If I were your editor, I would chop out at least one-third of your use of the word "the."

    That aside, on the whole it's as you said: worth sharing.

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