The urgent moon awoke me, wide and full, wide and full
The cold bright moon awoke me wide and full
Fin'lly that entire stretch from my lungs to my mouth
Is an indian drum, dry, stretched o'r too much emptiness
Percuss, percuss, thumps throat on hollow chest
The heart beats not at all, must have forgot, I don't recall
The heartbeat doesn't beat, I don't recall
I look into the void where the moon-burn was before
The dusty lime-like drink is only warmed up by the heat
By radiator-wet forehead and feet
Wet drizzle, dry bed, unsettled place to rest my head
Unsettled, restless place to rest my head
Its coolness has been robbed away by discontent dark grey
Its cotton changed to hot rough wool on a sore moon-burned cheek
Throbbing globe, aching sphere, dull refuge keep
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
to my [untrained] ear, this one has the best and most consistent rhythm so far
ReplyDeletePercuss, percuss, thumps throat on hollow chest
me likey.
I agree that the rhythm is more consistent, and I liked that the first two lines of each stanza were almost introductory clause for the three that followed, but I preferred the more sporadic rhythm of the watch-spring metronomadic.
ReplyDeleteNot that I didn't like this one, but on watch-spring the beat almost evolved as the poem progressed, which I felt made it overall more enjoyable.
i enjoy the... vaporous mental image i get when i read this.
ReplyDeleteI tend to make up my own rhythm if I want one at all. For some reason this was half hymn, half haiku in my chest. When it came out it was more phlegm than anything else. Thank you, all, for your feedback.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Will, I liked "The Watchspring Metronomadic" better, too.