"Are you like me? Is there just no such thing as too hot a day?"
"Oh yeah, there's just something about being miserably hot."
"I know. Like no matter how hot it gets, it just fills me up with energy."
"You know one of those days where you're sticky from the heat, you get in your car and it's even hotter so you turn on the a/c but for the first few minutes it's just blowing hot air. Like I said, there's just something about it."
"It gives me so much life."
"I swear, every year I look more forward to summer."
"Yeah, I mean just look. You have all these different shades of green already starting to come to life. And that purple stuff, I don't even know what that is."
"Me neither. I've always thought that it kind of looks like upside down Blue Bonnets."
"Yeah it really does. Look at that Post Oak. It's funny, a lot of people wonder why they're called Post Oaks, 'cause when you see them in someone's yard they just look like any other tree. But when you see a bunch of them together they grow straight up just like a post."
"I didn't know that."
"Yeah. It's all about competing for sunlight. When there's just one alone in a yard it gets all the sun it wants. Its lower branches can grow out wider and get sun too. But in a forest, it has to grow tall, the lower branches get blocked out by other trees and die and fall off. That's why all the tallest trees tend to grow in the most dense forests."
"Oh, so that's why when you see a random tree off in a field all by itself, it always grows really round and wide."
"Exactly."
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Really lovely, Will. The Post Oak bit was ace.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a bit less conversational? Trim out the ohs and yeahs and such? Leave them to the imagination.
A++ would read again.
The first part of this makes me miss humidity.
ReplyDeleteIt's really good. I see where Justin's coming from, but I wouldn't take out the "yeahs" etc. It flows well, and naturally.
(Did you read my previous post, and is this merely your silent dissent?)
I guess you could consider it silent dissent, in the most positive of respects. I fully intended on replying to your last post but I guess this is as good a time as any.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good, practical idea, and encourage its practice to the willing, but for me it detracts too much from the title. I realize this outlook is a bit illogical, but I guess it's just the romantic inside me winning over the realist.
In response to the "ohs and yeahs" controversy, I was a bit unsure of their liberal usage myself. My resolve was to trim up about half and leave the rest. I was trying the walk the line between it being realistic and being annoying.
Good line to walk.
ReplyDeleteI think ohs&yeahs can be a cheat to connect a series of mini-monologues as "dialogue". If you remove them and it doesn't sound like a conversation, perhaps it needs massaging.
Did you see Bob Dylan's film "Masked and Anonymous"? I hated it, but one reason I hated it was Dylan apparently didn't know how to write dialogue. His characters faced each other and recited poetry. As an artistic exercise, fine, but it was unwatchable as a movie.
That's an extreme example of what I think ohs&yeahs can signify. They mask it, but don't fix it.
This is a lot of "negative" feedback for a piece I find wonderful, so don't be disheartened. Just thinking about how to make it bester.
gabe and will : put a poll box up on the right for the titling issue - 'cause not only are they fun, but also will get accurate majority consensus on this one
ReplyDeleteover & out
[great piece by the way William - more later when not at work!]
No I have not seen it, but I completely understand what you're saying. Also, don't be cautious on the criticism. Ali and I were just talking about how this needs to be a place where we push each other. I really want to improve my abilities and that just isn't possible in a sea of compliments.
ReplyDeleteWill: I agree with your sentiment, but I'll stand behind my suggestion for the time being, since this is a collaborative blog, since it's as much a workshop as a publication of finalized works. I will defer to the poll results.
ReplyDeleteJustin: I could see how ohs&yeahs could be a crutch, but I don't think that's what we have here. In my experience, normal everyday dialogue, in which two people are lackadaisically agreeing, typically leans heavily on the word "yeah." However, my primary reason for defending the piece, as is, is that I didn't notice them. They flowed well and didn't break the spell, if you know what I mean. But if they did for you, then perhaps that's indictment enough. Perhaps have a peeve about people who say "yeah" too much, or perhaps I say it more than your average conversationalist! haha
Ali: Capital idea, kiddo.
"Post Oak? Thomas?"
ReplyDelete::suspicious eyes::
Oh, foo! Who voted "I don't care" ?!
ReplyDeleteA voting third party is throwing your vote away! (Wait did I seriously just type that?)
mischievous little me
ReplyDeleteWill this was fabulous. It really made me grin, and think. the best of both worlds eh?
ReplyDelete